I work so damn hard to be a good person, but I realize now that because I am only human, an empath, I have too many cracks in my facade.
And how can you try to be good when everyone keeps looking for the bad? My own family is constantly looking for the bad, wanting to see the bad. It makes me wonder if I should just be bad.
This may be weird, but I cut because I'm afraid of what I'm capable of. I live life trying to be a good person, trying to do all the right things, though I always get in the way of myself. But I don't feel like a good person. And deep down, there's this rage that scares even myself. And if I ever let it loose, would I ever be able to cage it again?
I cut because it makes me numb, any rage I feel quietly sinks back beneath the surface, and then no one is hurt but me. I feel that if it ever got out, I would punch more than the walls of my room, or cut more than the skin of my own flesh.
Because sometimes, when I hurt someone, upset them, even on rare occasions hit them, I don't feel a thing. Atleast, not until an hr goes by, and I realize that maybe I've done something wrong. Its that kind of thinking that makes me fear what I may be truly capable of. Something I'm not proud of. Something I hate.
Just trying to survive without another slash to the wrist. Its been so long and I've been trying so hard not to backslide but seeing my own blood is like a drug as insane as that may be.
Currently obsessed with Tate Langdon of American Horror Story. Apparently, he's a sociopath and something about him is alluring. I guess that's what the writers were looking for. Now I'm finding myself curious about the inner workings of real-life sociopaths. I don't believe that all of them are just steps away from becoming a serial killer. Are they really all bad people, or just misunderstood? Maybe I'm just being pathetic....always trying to find the good in everything twisted and dark.
It's been a really long time, and boy have I really fucked things up. I'm in my senior year and I still have no idea what direction my life is going. I'm constantly flip-flopping. Wanting multiple things. Cuz really, I just want to be happy. I want a decent job, to get married, and to have a family. That's all. But when it comes to figuring out what career I want, well it's a bit too late to finally realize that I'm not at all happy with my major. So I've been depressed. I'm stuck with my major and my career choice, and it's making me sad to realize all along all I've been doing is trying to please other people and in the end all I've gotten in return is misery, and ridicule from people who can never be pleased, my mom included. The only good thing is life is my boyfriend. He's been there no matter what. But if I can't make a career choice in life....then that leaves me and him nowhere......
I've lost the want to eat. The want to be touched by my boyfriend. I just feel hurt. By him. I know he's hiding things from me. And that if I knew, it would break my heart.
I don't protest anymore...I just take whatever you give me, and shut up. Who cares what I have to say?
So, I may have to lose the one good thing in my life. Turns out, my boyfriend may have to go back home, and, because of past experience, he doesn't want to try to pretend that a long distance relationship might work out.
So that's it. In two weeks, I'll lose the best thing to happen to me. And I'll sink into a deep depression. Cuz this just so happens to be the same time that I've lost any close friend I ever had. So it'll be just me.
And my grades are already suffering now because I can barely get out of bed in the mornings. Now, it'll be so much worse. The best love I've ever had is leaving.
I'm gonna scream.
Classes are not going well. First my teachers say there'll be three tests and a final, now its just two, and the final is always hard as hell in circuits....meaning, if I dont ace this test, I fail the class. FUCK! I don't wanna lose my scholarship.
I cut deeper than I've ever cut before. If he finds out, its over.
I cut deeply for the first time in a long time...all because I couldn't keep my mouth shut and disturbed the peace between me and my boyfriend all over something my psychiatrist said.